Have you ever had an argument where, by the end, you are being blamed for so many things that it leaves you confused, overwhelmed and really wondering if you are a good person?
Did I do enough? Did I say enough? Did I talk too much? What could I have done differently so things worked out?
These were the thoughts that went through my head over and over again as I replayed the argument I had with a friend.
Part of me felt responsible for the whole argument. The dread in my stomach, the shakiness of my hands, the negative thoughts about myself all seemed to verify I was indeed a terrible human and caused it all.
But…did I?
This argument happened about 5 years ago and it was a big one. We have since recovered from this and now have a very strong friendship but it was difficult to get there.
I was the person in almost any relationship who was blamed for the issue. If I wasn’t told it was my fault, I just automatically assumed that it was. This often left me feeling overwhelmed, confused and very wary of relationships. Sometimes it seemed simpler to be on my own, albeit lonely at times.
Why do we automatically assume the blame?
As highly sensitive people, we can see and feel how others are impacted. And because we are also natural caregivers, we want to help the person.
This all leads to feeling and believing that we are responsible for what is happening. If we are in a relationship with a person who struggles to take accountability for their actions, they will so easily put the issue on us.
It’s so hard when this happens. People who struggle to take accountability can be quite good at arguing, and highly sensitive people tend to be terrible at it.
The result is that we often lose these arguments, and end up agreeing that we are the one who caused the issues and it’s only on us to change who we are and how we show up for others.
So how do I know if it’s not my fault?
This can be a tricky question to answer. When this shows up in sessions with my clients or when I’m struggling with this myself, I suggest looking at the patterns of the person you are having a disagreement with.
- Does this person always blame others for the issues?
- Does this person see how they have also contributed to the problem?
- Does this person have the ability to listen. hear your perspective and be changed by it ?
Take some time to reflect on these questions and you will start to have more clarity on what is happening. This can help us see what is ours and what isn’t ours.
In the fight with my friend, what was mine was I tolerated too much of what didn’t feel good for me. I didn’t speak up until I was really upset.
And what wasn’t mine was her perception of my actions.
Once I had clarity on this, I was able to move forward to make the changes that I needed and wanted to make. And over time our relationship improved as my friend did her work as well.
This next part won’t surprise you – this won’t happen in every relationship. We can take ownership of our part but that doesn’t mean the other person will do the same. This often results in us outgrowing the relationship.
This is especially tricky when it’s a family member or partner. But so much growth can happen as we take care of ourselves.
