It is not uncommon for highly sensitive people to be in a toxic relationship and not be fully aware of it.
- We might be aware that we are drained after an interaction.
- We might be aware that we do not always look forward to spending time with this person.
- We might be aware that we do not agree with how they treat others.
- We might be aware of how much of ourselves we do not share.
But sometimes we miss that it is actually a toxic relationship.
What is a Toxic Relationship?
This is how I define it: a relationship where we are expected to always agree with the other person. Having a difference of opinion is not tolerated. If we do voice our own opinion, it is often followed by some form of punishment.
The punishment could be the silent treatment. It could be a lecture for a lengthy period on why they are right and you are wrong. It could be subtle ways of hurting you, such as sharing a private conversation in front of others to embarrass you. Or telling you that your way of looking at an issue is wrong.
Another sign that you are in a toxic relationship is that you censor what you say to this person. You do not share your wins in case they might feel bad about themselves. You do not share your struggles as you don’t know what kind of reaction you will get. Maybe today they will support you, or maybe they will judge or blame you for the problem you are having.
It is difficult to improve these relationships as the other person often doesn’t see how they are part of the problem.
The First Step
What I recommend to my clients and what I have done myself is to first sit with curiosity with the following questions:
- Does this person allow space for what I need and want?
- Do I censor myself around this person?
- If I do censor myself, do I reflect on what I would worry about if I were to share more?
The Next Step
I wish at this point that I could give you clear direction but relationships and our connection to people are so nuanced that it is not a straight path forward.
But if you are interested in learning more about how to manage difficult relationships, I am offering a workshop on May 30th that will explore:
- How taking care of others helps us feel better
- How taking care of others can reinforce the belief that others matter more than us
- Why we are filled with guilt at the idea of doing less for others
- Why we feel selfish for wanting to take care of ourselves
- Ways to start changing this behavior and how to tolerate the discomfort that comes with this change
Click here for more information and to register.