Many HSP’s are cycle breakers. We don’t necessarily do this intentionally but at some point we arrive at a place where we just can’t continue with the same patterns.
And once we stop participating in the pattern, things start to shake up.
For me this happened in my late twenties as I became aware that some members of my family would seek me out to talk about struggles they were having but never followed through on any suggestions I gave. Once I realized this, I started to notice how I felt during and after these conversations, and I actually felt terrible. I could hear the suffering of my family member, I could see how stuck they were, and I wasn’t able to shift things for them. I ended up spending many hours worrying about them and doing things for them to help alleviate their stress.
This really didn’t change anything and it left me feeling depleted and resentful.
My behavior slowly started to change. I didn’t always answer the phone when they called. I took longer to call them back. When I did talk to them, I didn’t offer solutions anymore.
It felt better and it felt worse.
It felt better in that I was listening to what I needed and making that more of a priority. And it felt worse because of the guilt I felt for not taking care of them in the way they expected.
My family is conflict-avoidant so no one actually shared their displeasure with me but instead they quietly moved away from me. There was relief with not having conflict, but it also reinforced my belief in myself that I only matter if I’m giving to others.
This all happened about 20 years ago so the hurt feelings have been mostly processed. I’m now comfortable with being a cycle breaker. This has allowed me to leave a marriage that was unhealthy, has helped me teach my kids not to be people pleasers, and to seek out relationships with others who know how beautiful life can be on the other side of breaking cycles.
What patterns have you broken or want to break? Feel free to share with me.