Is it possible to be too kind? Is there a downside to always thinking of others first?
For many highly sensitive people, we are naturally kind. This isn’t something we have to be taught or reminded of. But because we can feel the emotions of others easily, we tend to continue to be kind even when it creates suffering for ourselves.
For me this has looked like:
- Meeting every single need of my kids especially when they were younger
- Taking on more responsibilities at work
- Always being available when someone needed to talk
- Not disagreeing with someone even if I had a different opinion
I’m really glad that I’m a kind person – this is something I quite like about myself. But I’m also aware that at times there was a huge cost to me for putting others first. And this is what I’ve come to see as the kindness trap.
The kindness trap is when you feel like you can’t do anything unless it’s kind.
This means that you can’t say no to family members, your boss, your co-workers, your kids, your partner, the neighbor that asks you to watch their kids…because if you say no, you’re not kind (this isn’t what I believe).
The kindness trap says that you can’t put yourself first. If you do, you are selfish which means you’re not kind.
The kindness trap says you shouldn’t share with others if you are struggling with something as this could be a burden to them. Being a burden isn’t kind.
Can you see that if kindness is always the default that it can keep you stuck with the only option being taking care of others?
So how to be kind and take care of yourself? This is very possible but at the start it’s not going to feel great. It means that you will have to tolerate someone not being happy with you, even disappointed in you. This might be the absolute worst feeling for those of us that are HSP’s.
If this is something that you want to work on, I would suggest starting small.
It could be giving yourself 24 hours before responding to a request for help.
It could be planning a Sunday for yourself and not being available to others for that time.
It could be saying no to family dinners every once in a while.
Unfortunately this is going to feel awful at first. Part of you will try to talk yourself into saying yes. But see if you can stay with the hard feelings, noticing that you can tolerate it even if it doesn’t feel good.
The benefit of leaving the kindness trap for highly sensitive people is that we become healthier.
And when this happens, we actually have so much more to offer the world.
Have you struggled with the kindness trap? Feel free to comment and share with me.