One thing that is true about most highly sensitive people is that we can be quite private. There is no issue with this as long as we have one or two people that we can be open with and who really know us.
It becomes more problematic when we are private with everyone in our lives.
Privacy can look like censoring yourself so much that there isn’t really much to share. Privacy can also look like avoiding spending time with others so there isn’t any opportunity to share.
As I write this, I’m trying to figure out how to describe the difference between when this is self-care and when this is isolation.
It makes me think back to when I worked in a non-profit agency. I often avoided eating lunch in the lunchroom. I was never good at casual conversation; either I have nothing to say or I have so much to say. It would really depend on who I was talking to and what we were talking about. But mostly it ended up feeling quite awkward for me, so it seemed more like self-care to eat lunch at my desk. That way I wasn’t left with that lingering feeling that something was wrong with me or I said something that might be considered ‘weird’.
The overthinking that happens after these interactions can be endlessly painful.
But when it became isolation and not self-care is when I was with people that I trusted and really liked, and kept the conversation focused on them. I would only share things that I thought would be acceptable to them. I essentially hid myself even with people that I didn’t want to be doing this with. This was one way that I isolated myself even when I was with people.
I think part of the reason why we become so private is the repeated experience of being misunderstood.
For many of us, when we were younger and would share our thoughts, worries, or insights it might not have been well received by the adults and kids in our lives. I know for myself that I could never quite figure out what was okay to share so instead of continuing to fumble, I became quiet.
From my own healing experience, the way that I support clients in therapy is to help them build tolerance to share things that are a bit more personal in safe places. It can also be helpful to experiment sharing things when you are paying for your groceries, or any place you are purchasing something. This is a low risk situation and it helps your nervous system adjust to the new behaviour.
Is being too private something that you struggle with or do you feel that you have a good balance?